Today's jokes [3.7.19]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the
desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem,
the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move
until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go
along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat
off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the
camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares
to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And
again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says
"For Christ's sake, what do you want now?" The camel puckers up and makes
little sucking noises.
Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother
thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.
The Bachelor Diet
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers"
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for
Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.
Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little
worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but
I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair
in places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30