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Today's jokes [3.13.19]

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The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright
as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept
of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, 
thinking visual images would help. 
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, 
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. 
"Now do you understand?" he asked. 
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

1. 




   Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his
   mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and
   Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits
   there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the
   trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the
   clowns.
   
   Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the
   clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of
   an ass?'
   
   'No,' replies little Johnny.
   'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
   'No,' replies little Johnny again.
   'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'
   
   Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the
   way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little
   Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit,
   backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to
   the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little
   Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.
   
   The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of
   lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set
   off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and
   Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit
   down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze
   artists, and then out come the clowns.
   
   Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the
   clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of
   an ass?'
   
   Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat
   and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:
   
   'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'
   


2. 




Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate 
demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his 
young bride.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," 
snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer.  "I mean your wife 
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect 
exclusive drillin' rights!

3. 




    A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
   bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the
   bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
   lawyer for my gator."


4. 




The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose
   to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's
   self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false
   images into a more proper perspective.
   
   Please circle your answers to each below:
   
    1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on
       it that says:
       "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
         1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
         2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
         3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".
    2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
         1. All you'll ever need.
         2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
         3. The signal to open Fire.
    3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
         1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify
            violence.
         2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
         3. A training film.
    4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise"
       where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
         1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns;
            let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
         2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm
            only one man; not realistic at all.
         3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the
            dashboard of the cruiser.
    5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
         1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
         2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
         3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
    6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor,
       Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You
       reply:
         1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered
            to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
         2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut
            Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs
            !
         3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel
            stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
    7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]
         1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
         2. What's a bra ?
         3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.
    8. Define "male."
         1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only
            one letter short of "male violence."
         2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need
            to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women
            everywhere.
         3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females,
            but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
    9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products
       as Mace and CapStun belong?
         1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and
            understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
         2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the
            male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat
            secure.
         3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of
            Feminique.
   10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He
       ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife
       upraised. How many shots should you fire?
         1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice
            moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
         2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms
            industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the
            first place.
         3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance
            like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your
            feelings?


                              Grading the Exam
                                      
     * If 8 or more of your answers were "1":
       This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will
       indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when
       the rest of us are done with it.
     * If 8 or more of your answers were "2":
       Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full
       12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men
       now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?
     * If 8 or more of your answers were "3":
       Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but
       Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in
       "Bride of Rambo".


5. 



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