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Today's jokes [3.12.19]

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A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places
his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir,
this is a clock shop not a cock shop." 

"Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man. 


There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was exceedingly bent
He put it in double
To save himself trouble
Instead of coming he wen


An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he 
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is 
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, 
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer 
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and 
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the 
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, 
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before 
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, 
"One less lawyer . . ."


Here is this guy who really takes care of his body,
he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his
body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over,
except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himself
in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one
looks down and says "There is no justice in this world".
The other lady says "What do you mean?"
The first lady says "Look at that".
When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild 


The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to
   the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
   When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and
   coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing
   of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed


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