Today's jokes [2.12.19]
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Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
They couldn't close his casket.
What is George W. Bush's favorite town in Texas?
The Y-Zero-K Problem
Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change
from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much
time left. I don't know how citizens will cope with working the
wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards
forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think
that someone would have thought of this earlier and not left it to
us to sort it out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius
hadn't done something about it when he was working out the
calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We
called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing
downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a
fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to
throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will
make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been
told that all usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay
their clients to take out loans. It is an ill wind... .
As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass
will flow upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men
in the East who have been working on the problem, but
unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at
midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will
stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to
chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will
cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this acursed Y zero
K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further
If you have any ideas please let me know,
Sent by Marina
The Freudian Slip
Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought
the train tickets to go
see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a
little funny. John
said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take
a few more sips
of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying
something he didnít
mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said thereís
a name for that isnít
there...you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you
are trying to say
something. Yea, says John, itís called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it
said Ted, I couldnít
think of the word. Why are you asking said John?
Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets
for Pittsburg, and the girl
selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the
money and laid it on the
counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had
say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit
out of me. You ever
done anything that stupid?
ì Funny you would askî, said John. Just this morning my wife and
I...gosh, I guess
weíve been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast. I
was reading the
paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, ìdear, would you please
pass me the
sugarî,but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, youíve ruined my
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his
left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache
and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour
later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever
tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
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