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Today's jokes [11.4.19]

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What is white and streaks across the sky? 

The coming of the Lord. 


    "I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you
   want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone "Have
   you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
   anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin "You have to
   stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
   when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
   is." - Ellen DeGeneris "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.
   Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it
   on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." -
   Billiam Coronel "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze
   pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison "Did you ever notice when you blow
   in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he
   sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone "I think men who
   have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
   experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner


Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd want
to have dinner with.


   In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
   confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot
   the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he
   The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a
   very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
   Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
   rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and
   exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
   The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet
   short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced
   around, somewhat confused.
   Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God,
   for the food I'm about to receive...."



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