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Today's jokes [10.1.19]

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During an Army war game, a commanding officer's
jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men
lounging around nearby and asked them to help
him get unstuck. 

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've
been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way." 

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."


1. 




What's a Jewish American Princess's idea of kinky sex?

     She moves. 

2. 




A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the 
problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!" 

3. 




What kind of Bees make honey?
                                  Honey Bees!
What kind of Bees make Milk?
                                  BOOBIES!

4. 




ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEETS WINDOWS95
   Costello: Hey, Abbott!
   Abbot: Yes, Lou?
   Costello: I just got my first computer.
   Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
   Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
   and a 24X CD-ROM.
   Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
   Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
   Abbot: You will in time.
   Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
   Abbot: Oh?
   Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
   Abbot: Well, I don't know-
   Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
   me.
   Abbot: Really?
   Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
   Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?
   Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
   should be very careful how you turn it off.
   Abbot: That's true.
   Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn
   it off. What do I do?
   Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
   Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
   Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
   Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to
   start it. So tell me what to do.
   Abbot: I did.
   Costello: When?
   Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
   Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
   Abbot: To shut off the computer.
   Costello: I press Start to stop.
   Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
   Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
   Abbot: Start
   Costello: Start what?
   Abbot: Start button.
   Costello: Start button to do what?
   Abbot: Shut down.
   Costello: You don't have to get rude!
   Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
   Costello: Then say what you mean.
   Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
   Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
   Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
   Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
   press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but
   no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
   Abbot: But that's what you do.
   Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
   Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
   Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we
   started this conversation.
   Abbot: What are you talking about?
   Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.


5. 



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