Today's stories [1.9.19]
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Arrested In A Pumpkin Patch
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male,
resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 PM
Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious
behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County
Courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and
squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At
least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview
from the County Courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a pumpkin that he thought was appropriate for
his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his
alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he
commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the
Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of
his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure", said officer
Taylor. "I walked up to [Davidson] and he's . . . just working
away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize what
you're doing with that pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you would expect and then looked me
straight in the face and said: "'A pumpkin? Damn.... is it
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood
there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation.
I headed straight out the front door...............
There, leaning against my car, was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell
my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test"
was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
The Criminally Stupid Bank Robber
In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into a local branch and wrote, "this iz a
stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller,
he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and
that they might call the police before he even reached the teller
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it, noticing all of his spelling
errors. She quickly surmised that he wasn't the brightest light
in the harbor.
Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that
he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells
Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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