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Today's jokes [9.9.18]

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Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like 
forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. 
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking 
so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make 
this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from 
here."

1. 




Why did the chicken cross the road?

- To escape an oppressive military regime.

2. 




A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine 
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. 
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be 
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the 
longest private part he had ever seen! 
 
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." 
 
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. 
 
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to 
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. 
 
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"

3. 




What are the three fastest means of communication?

Internet 
Telephone 
Telawoman!

4. 




Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed!

5. 



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