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Today's jokes [9.8.18]

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What's the difference between a duck and a cow? 

They both swim, except for the cow.

1. 




A Friend's Prayer

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who
screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

Amen

2. 




Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a 
strictly mathematical viewpoint it  goes like this: What makes 100%?  
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people 
who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 
100%. How about achieving 103%? Here¡¯s a little mathematical formula that 
might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M  N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented 
as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14  15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take  you:
A-S-S¡ÖK-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!

So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will
get you there, Bullsh*t and  Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

3. 




Dear Abby:

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until 
one night he came home sober....

4. 




A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and 
one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white 
sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was 
in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the 
pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped 
from behind a headstone. "Ooooooo!" she wailed, "I am the Devil!" 

He sticks out his hand..."Put it there, pal," he says, "I am married to 
your sister."

5. 



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