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Today's jokes [9.6.18]

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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; 
the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their 
arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline 
personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, 
he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in 
at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she 
sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign
on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

1. 




Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll 
never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position
for lovemaking."
"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back."
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out."

2. 




Christmas Cookie Ingredients

1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Absolute vodka

Sample the Absolute to  check quality.  Take a large bowl. Check the
Absolute again, to be sure it is of the highest quality.  Pour 1 level
cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat 1 cup  butter in a
large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 teaspoon of sugar,  beat again.  At this
point it's best to make sure the Absolute is still OK, try another cup, 
just in case. 

Turn off the mixerer thingy, break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck  in 1 cup of dried fruit.  Pick the frigging fruit off
floor... mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the Absolut to
check for tonsisticity.  Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something.  Who
giveshz a sheet.  Check the Absolute.  Now shift the lemon juice and
strain your nuts.  Add 1 table.  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.  Greash the oven.  Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over.  Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Absolute and
make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.   CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!!

3. 




What's the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde?

Elvis has been sighted.

4. 




I'll never forget the first time I saw my husband, He was standing on a 
hill, his hair blowing in the breeze, and he too proud to run after it.

5. 



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