Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [9.3.18]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?

Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

1. 




Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American
authorities.

Among the brothers:
------------------
Sooflay .......................the restauranteur
Guday......................... the half-Australian brother
Huray......................... the sports fanatic
Bejay..........................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay................the twins from the African mother
Sayhay.........................the baseball player
Ojay...........................the stalker / murderer
Gulay..........................the singer / entertainer
Ebay...........................the internet czar
Biliray........................the country music star
Ecksray........................the radiologist
Puray..........................the blender factory owner
Tupay..........................the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:
-----------------

Pusay..........................the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay.........................the coffee shop owner
Bufay..........................the 300 pound sister
Dushay.........................the clean sister
Phayray........................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway.......................the grocery store owner:
Ollay..........................the half-mexican sister
Gudlay.........................the prostitute

More will, no doubt, be discovered...including A.A. Sidday, Oz weekend TV Host.

2. 




Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? 

You're going out? 

Yes. 

With whom? 

With a friend. 

I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. 

I didn't leave him. He left me! 

You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. 

I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? 

I never left you to go out with anybody except your father. 

There are lots of things that you did and I don't. 

What are you hinting at? 

Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight. 

You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he 
finds out? 

My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, 
he probably never slept alone! 

So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place? 

He's not a loser. 

A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a 
parasite. 

I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? 

Poor children with such a mother. 

Such as what? 

With no stability. No wonder your husband left you. 

ENOUGH !!! 

Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! 

Now you're worried about the loser? 

Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately. 

Goodbye, mother. 

Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? 

I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out! 

If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

3. 




A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. 
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says
his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens
the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get
lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the
door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says 
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the right thing to do."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

4. 




After months of negotiation with the authorities, a
Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit
Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to
him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:
This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he
isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.
If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish
because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the
other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to
travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there
is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need
special permission to go there. But why would he be
going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of
the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish
families are there in Samvet? Only two - the
Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a
terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him
must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?
The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's
their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter
did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice
lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman
from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which
means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not
mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the
anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed
his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?
Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he
must have some special status. What could it be? A
doctorate from the University for sure. At this point
the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do
you do, Dr. Kovacs?" 
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled
passenger. But how is it that you know my name?" 
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD





By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 September '18 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
                  1  
2  3  4  5  6  7  8  
9  10 11 12 13 14 15 
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 
23 24 25 26 27 28 29 
30 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.