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Today's jokes [9.10.18]

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Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock 
swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, 
Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?" 

She replied, "no sir!" 

So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?" 

"Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied 

The second man went out to her and asked,"Mermaid, have you ever had your 
breasts fondled?" 

"No sir," she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then 
asked, "How did you like that?" 

She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir." 

The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been 
fucked?" 

"No sir," she replied. 

He said, "Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!"

1. 




What did one gay sperm say to the other? 

I can't find my way through all this shit.

2. 




What's the difference between a blonde and a shower?

The shower has to be turned on before it gets wet.

3. 




A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, 
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they 
made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they 
fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, 
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the 
grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. 

He slipped into his shoes and drove home. 
 
Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. 
 
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my 
secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and 
didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." 
 
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! 
You've been playing golf!!"

4. 




A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband 
stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh.  Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.  "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

5. 



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