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Today's jokes [8.8.18]

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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

1. 




An elderly couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells
them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing 
things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the
old man gets up from his chair.
 
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that: You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries!"

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!  
Leave me alone: Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream Ė Iíve got
it, for goodness sake!"

Then he grumbles his way into the kitchen. After twenty minutes the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and then asks, "Where's my toast?"

2. 




A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

3. 




Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, itís Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"

4. 




How To Shower Like a Woman 
 
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice 
stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 
 

How To Shower Like a Man 
 
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

5. 



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