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Today's jokes [8.6.18]

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Guys,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your
advice.  

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.  

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.  

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't
know them.' 

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but  I
usually fall asleep.  

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with  my wife.  

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to finally check on her.  

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I  could get a
good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with
'the girls. ' 

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which  was
open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.  

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I  noticed a
hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop
where I bought it?

1. 




A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
 Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you
for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back-seat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals
your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the
15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again
this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.

2. 




A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his
chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Sent by Sherri

3. 




A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and
asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus,"

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

4. 




For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said,
"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and
your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." 

The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" 
 
Little Joe told him: "I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because
she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

5. 



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