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Today's jokes [8.5.18]

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HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?
 

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
 
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
 
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
 
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the
tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
 
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry
would see record revenues.
 
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
 
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
 
Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

1. 




A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her Question was: 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your Name, can
you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

2. 




A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.  
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'  
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'.
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

3. 




A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,  nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!!

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

4. 




A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,
"I hope not; it's only 2130 now.

5. 



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