Today's jokes [8.1.18]
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Paddy weighs 250lbs, so his doctor puts him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this
for 2 weeks - and, you should loose 20lbs."
When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 80lbs.
"That's amazing!" the doc said.
Paddy nodded, "I'll tell you, I thought I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day."
"What, from hunger?" said the doc.
"No, from the damn skipping!"
percent of Detroit males say they enjoy sex in the shower...
The other 15 percent haven't been to prison yet.
Dug had last week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning,
he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Annette, who turned out
to be a very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a
On the 18th green, Annette sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dug
congratulated her and paid off his losses.
Annette asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Dug,
haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact,
pull over so I can express my appreciation.'
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the
best oral sex he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together
again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and
playing tight, competitive golf.
Again Annette beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive
home. This went on all week, with Dug narrowly losing every day, his male
ego bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Dug said, 'Annette, you've been great to be with
all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favor. I made Reservations
at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at
the best hotel. What do you say?'
Annette burst into tears. 'I can't!'
'What? Why not?' he asked.
'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor
hasn't completed that part of me yet!'
'What?!' Aghast, Dug swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed
madly, overcome with emotion.
'I'm so sorry,' says Annette, 'You have a right to be angry with me.'
'You bastard!' Dug screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating bastard!
All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!'
In response to the continuing debate about Global Warming the American
Medical Association has added their voice to the debate over the
government's proposed Carbon Reduction Scheme:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said,
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists
didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the assholes in Washington.
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos!
Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters
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