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Today's jokes [7.9.18]

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This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above 

"You will live to be 100." 

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." 

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! 

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. 

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. 

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?". 

God said: "I didn't recognize you". 


1. 




A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.
Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want
to name them without him seeing them first. But
the hospital insists that the babies must be
named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie
overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to
the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the
happy couple are set to name the babies when a
nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took
care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and
doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he
pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl
Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.
And how about the boy?" "Denephew." 

2. 




A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart
and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks 
quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took 
five or six pills at once you might." 

3. 




Mirror, mirror

   A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
   bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
   says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".
   Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to
   enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has
   happened, and in minutes they both return.
   This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on
   the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright
   flash and both his legs fall off.


4. 




   A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in
   it. He turns around to
   push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
   breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
   so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
   able to forgive me." She
   looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
   is as hard as your
   elbow, I'm in room 204."
   


5. 



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