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Today's jokes [7.8.18]

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"Three Men And A Baby"........What you get when four men go fishing and 
one comes back after having caught nothing.

1. 




   Miracle Bra Alternative
   A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
   length mirror. This
   does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
   looking at herself, asking
   him how she looks.
   One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
   mirror, now complaining
   that her breasts are too small.
   Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
   want your breasts to
   grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
   your breasts for a few
   seconds."
   Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
   stands in front of the
   mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
   "How long will this take?" she asks.
   "They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he
   replies.
   The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
   between my breasts
   everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
   The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
   


2. 




Two bikers were talking at a bar.
"How's married life?" asks the first.
"It's fine," says the second.
"How's the sex?" asks the first.
"Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"

3. 




Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this
   party they were at
   the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got
   home and blew chunks.
   2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was
   pulled over and given
   a DUI! 3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I
   picked up a
   prostitute and my wife caught us in bed! 1st guy: No, no.. you guys
   don't understand!
   Chunks is my dog.
   


4. 




A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an 
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one 
contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is 
that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed 
to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

5. 



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