Today's jokes [7.5.18]

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The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive 
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you 
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied.
"Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... 
Officer: What's 2+2? 
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! 
Officer: What's the square root of 100? 
Blonde: Ummmm... 10! 
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? 
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. 
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. 
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she 
got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm 
already working on a murder case!"

Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?

It rips off your arm, then runs for help.

   The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, he was
   greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
   
   "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
   some information about your wife."
   
   "Well, tell me!" the man said.
   
   The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some
   really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
   
   Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
   
   So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we
   found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
   
   "Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering
   what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
   
   "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
   five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
   
   "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens
   demanded.
   
   The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
   morning."
   

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was
   empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."
   "What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
   "In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for
   years. Now, it's my turn."

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