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Today's jokes [7.11.18]

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A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. 
Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. 
Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives.  Without preamble the hooker
says, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's
for a hand job."  "$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the man
exclaimed. " No hand job in the world could be worth $500!"  The hooker
summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. 
"See that cherry red Maserati down there?  I own that because of what I can
do with my hands."  Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and
sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual
experience of his life.  After he recuperates he says to  the hooker, "God
that was fantastic!!  How much for a blowjob?"  "$2500," the hooker replied. 
"$2500 for a blowjob?"  Cried the astonished man.  "That's way too much!" 
Again the hooker summons the man to the window,  this time  pointing across
the street.  "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? 
I own that because of what I can do with my mouth." " Oh no," moans the man,
"this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it."  Once again the hooker
takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure
he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. 
As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know.  How much
do you get for pussy?"  The hooker drags the man to the window for a third
time, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on
the corner?  I could own that if I had a pussy!"

Sent by TJ

1. 




The boy asks his dad:
"What's the difference between a 'cunt' and a 'pussy'?"

The dad gets a Penthouse magazine, draws a circle around a
crotch and says: "Everything inside the circle is a 'pussy',
everything outside the circle is a 'cunt'" 

2. 




A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down,
then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your
first time in a gay bar?"

3. 




How do you scare a man? 

     Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. 

4. 




The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a 
pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following 
sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to 
be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word 
mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so 
that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for 
two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new 
word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he 
deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone 
knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he 
typed. "Please send us two of them."

5. 



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