Today's jokes [7.1.18]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large
glass bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the
bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an
ongoing challenge at this particular bar.
"For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them
all successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest
of the money."
The fellow expresses an interest in the idea.
"Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is.
A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole
one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy
mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of
he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that."
Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates
his chest and prods the bartender on.
"Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady
who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you
gotta make her finish if you know what I mean."
"Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow.
"Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing."
Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into
the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars
stare on, having seen many men fail.
After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his
way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good
half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the
wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions.
As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to
the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back
door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye.
The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and
"Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her fuckin' tooth
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man
mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The
his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very
excited by this,
was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up
his wife but
before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
head with the
blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell
you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
Language Trends of the Future
There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in
all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the
In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All
consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving
only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from
facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.
These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate
to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.
In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other
vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.
Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other
alphabets in the world.
The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin
alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating
Russian into Polish.
Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus
a verb at the end, of course.
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot
summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big
bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's
chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at
the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens
caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid
comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this
here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch
me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I
can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end
of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a
whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes
walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
A young couple were married and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all
night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the
bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When
she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing
his body for the first time to his bride.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped
and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small
part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31