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Today's jokes [6.12.18]

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Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

   You can wrap your own presents.
   You are always meeting new friends.


A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street 
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop 
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously 

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm 

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I 
thought I was a cripple."


It is common for draftsmen to sprinkle SCUMEX (powdered rubber
eraser) on tracings prior to doing any drawing on it. This reduces
smearing of the pencil marks and such and results in a cleaner

At a former employers we had replaced the Scumex at one draftsmans
desk with dried parmesian cheese. It looked about the same. It was
extremely interesting watching him draw for a while and then begin
to smell the paper. Took the poor dude almost 10 minutes to guess
that he had been gigged!


Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and 
grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. 
After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and 
water.  On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst 
and  starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in 
the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an 
oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old
genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, 
yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long 
time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE 
wish and then  I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, 
without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we 
can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine" said the genie, and he 
instantly turned the  entire ocean into beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy 
in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"


Application to Live in Kentucky

Name:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________

CB Handle Model:_____________________  Color:______________

Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________

Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________


Neck Shade:     _____Light Red       _____Medium Red       _____Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin:       Upper_____     Lower_____

Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________

Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack            ____4-Wheel Drive       ____Confederate Flag
____8-Track Cassettes   ____Load of Wood  ____Hijacker Shocks
____Radar Detector      ____Mag Wheels          ____Dual CB Antennas
____Spittoon            ____Camper Top          ____Air Horns
____Mud Flaps           ____Toothpick Holder    ____Mud-Grip Tires
____Raccoon Hide        ____Big Dog             ____Hunting Rifle

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____

____Eat more Possum             ____My other car is a piece of shit too
____Honk if you love Jesus      ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
____Redman Chewing Tobacco      ____Wave if you're horny
____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit
____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky
____I Brake For Nuthin'         ____National Rifle Association

Define the following (must be 90% correct):

1. Grits        6. Sawmill Gravy        11. Cobbler     16. Tater
2. Goobers      7. Turnip Salad         12. Fatback     17. Pig Skins
3. Pinto Beans  8. Shit-on-a-Shingle    13. Tote        18. Okrie
4. Collards     9. Redeye Gravy         14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf
5. Sidemeat     10. Soppin' Syrup       15. Poke        20. Chitlins

Favorite Vocalist:

____Reba McEntire       ____Conway Twitty       ____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams Jr.   ____Randy Travis        ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette       ____Slim Whitman        ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson       ____George Jones        ____Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:

____Square Dancin'      ____Possum Huntin'      ____Skinny Dippin'
____Craw Daddin'        ____Gospel Singin'      ____4-Wheelin'
____Drankin'            ____Spittin' Backy      ____Bill Chip Throwin'
____Honky Tonkin'       ____Noodlin'            ____Other

Name of Son(s):   ____Bubba   ____Jim Bob    ____LeeRoy   ____J.D.
                  ____Bill Lee____Bob Lee    ____Duke

Name of Daughter(s):  ____PammySue   ____Violet   ____Paulette   ____Daisy

Weapons Owned:

___Deer Rifle   ___Sawed-Off Shotgun    ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin
___Tire Iron      ___Power Chain Saw      ___Pick Handle  ___Hick'ry Switch

Number of Dogs:____    Type:    ___Blue Tick    ___Beagle
                                ___Black & Tan  ___Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem:     ___John Deer    ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
                ___Vo-Tech      ___Skoal                ___Coors
                ___NAPA         ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear
                ___N.R.A.       ___Redman               ____Kodiak

Number of Dependends:    Legal:________         Claimed:_________

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________


___KKK          ___NRA          ___Moose        ___PTL Club     ___AA
___Bass Club    ___VFW          ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion
___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___John Birch Society

Length of Right leg:________              Length of Left leg:__________

Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____  Number of Testicles Left____

Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of
Primer Red?  ___Yes    ___No

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______

How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________

Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________

Do you own any shoes?   ____Yes    ____No    If yes, how many?__________

What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________

Are you married to any of the following:

____Sister      ____Cousin      ____Sow

Do you know her name?________________

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________

If so, why?______________________________________________________________

Can you count:  Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
                To 21 with your fly up?_____________________

Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________

Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________

Medical Information:

Do you have at least two of the following:

___BO           ___Crabs        ___Head Lice    ___Rabies
___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose   ___Bad Breath   ___Chafing



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