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Today's jokes [6.1.18]

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Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to
   buy a chain saw ?
   He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
   He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later
   complaining that it only
   cut one tree and that took all day.
   The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the
   problem was.
   The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?


I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always. 


A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little 
sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't 
realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to 

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."


    If government is going to put health warning labels on
   beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about
   the matter! 
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
   that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
   story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what
   you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
   ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of
   alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something
   really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
   tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker
   guy named "Big Al".


Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So
they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old
says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their
mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have
some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his
chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old
and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but
you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."


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