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Today's stories [5.15.18]

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I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.  I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen  who works
at the store.  He asked if he could help me.  Without thinking I looked at
him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


A sign at a Doctor's office in Rome:



I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so
much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never
figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a
state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"


One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.  Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me."  I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says
the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.  " She responded to my puzzled
look by saying, "Can't you just love me for  who I am and not what I do for
you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her.  We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed  department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several  different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
take so I  told her we'll just buy them all.  She wanted new shoes to
compliment her  new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond

Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck.  I started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis  bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw  her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."  I could hardly contain myself when I
blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel  like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT??!!!"   I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a
man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over
a frozen hell.


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