Today's jokes [5.2.18]
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Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and
said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a
caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of
BUY YUGO WAR BONDS
For $25 US dollars you can invest in the future of a developing
country just out of the clutches of communism.
What your $$$ buyz: Russian ammo for one freedom fighter for
one month for the ethnic clensing!
Their motto: I wanns be like Ike! A little behind the times, BUT!
They model themselves after the US of A.
They want to establish a land- first ridding themselves of
undesireables (like the US did against the native inhabitants)
Why not? What's good enough for US is good enuff for them!
Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.
After a while the conversation started turning a little
rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and
they were arguing about how wide their snatches were.
(This happens all the time.)
The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg,
grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home.
All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and
hollering, throwing money.
Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her
leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in.
People were going ballistic.
Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar
and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the
jukebox starts playing.
Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
The blonde - she is eighteen.
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her
husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much,
but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after
several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names
right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife
noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would
also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face
inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the
children, the same child always faced the same direction.
"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the
fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys
were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day
came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is
time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They
provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a
three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet
the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and
still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a
lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as
her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my
darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards
hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the
fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled
upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually
the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled
over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we
never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that
must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
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