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Today's jokes [5.17.18]

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   PUPPY LOVE

   A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs
   mating. The little boy
   asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, "Well, son,
   they're making a
   puppy." The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went
   from his bed to get a
   glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked
   unannounced into his parents
   bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.
   Confused, the boy
   asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and caringly
   to his
   impressionanle little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little
   brother. "The little boy
   replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"
   


1. 




A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.
Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa
application. The border official look s over his shoulder,
and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into
the small space labeled 'SEX'. 

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we
mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." 

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers. 

2. 




   A little kid comes running into the backyard.
   
   He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
   
   "Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
   


3. 




1)  Got a neighbor that's a real pain in the ass?  Do they have a
    lawn? Do they have a garden that's accessible?  Yes to all the
    above? Great!  Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill
    the suckers hose with the stuff.  Then sit back and wait for them
    water their lawn!  Nuff said?

2)  Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine?  If
    so, have I got one for you!  Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water
    soluble, crystalline, red dye.  Mix some into the persons wine and
    wait for them to take a leak.  (Nuetral Red comes out as red as it
    goes in, and people have a tendancy to get really nervous when they
    start pissing what they think is blood!

3)  (I'm surprised nobody mentioned this one yet.)  Go to a pet shop and
    buy a fancy looking pet collar and leash.  Then, the next time you
    see a dead animal in the road, attach the leash and collar setup
    to its neck.  Attach the whole thing to revengees rear bumper, making
    sure to toss dead animal under the car so it won't be seen.  When
    revengee drives away, chances are he/she will be stopped by either a cop
    or a member of some animal lovers group for draggin some poor defenseless
    pet down the road.  Either way, they are gonna have some awful quick
    explaining to do!

4)  Last, but certainly not least, is a great stink bomb.  This one takes
    a bit of time for preparation, so it's not too good for spontaneous
    revenge.  (But it's worth the time!)  Get a quart jar with a rubber seal.
    (Mason jars work quite well.)  Pour about 1/4 to 1/2 inch of crystal Drano
    along with about an inch or so of warm water into the jar.  Place the
    lid on the jar and allow the mixture to sit in a warm place for about an
    hour.  Take the lid off and add six egg whites, (no yokes).  Add a quarter
    cup of Methylene Blue, then fill the jar to within an inch of the top
    with water.  Seal the jar tightly and allow to sit for four to six weeks.
    (I warned you it takes a while!)  When the 'bomb' is ready to use, you
    can either throw it like a molitov(sp?) cocktail, or shake it up and
    pour the contents out, making damn sure you don't get any on yourself.
    The results have to be seen, or is that smelled, to be beleived!



4. 




Radar: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

Pilot: "Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can 
we make up here?"

Radar: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it 
hits a 747?"

5. 



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