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Today's jokes [4.7.18]

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What's the difference between mayonaise and sperm?
Mayonaise doesn't hit the back of a girls throat at 40 mph.

1. 




Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident?
A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to push-start
their new submarine.




2. 




A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert 
never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on 
vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them
all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. 
The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great 
escapades. "And on the third day..." he began. "No! no! start with the 
first day," Everyone yells out in chorus. "And on the third day, " the 
private continues " she asked me to stop so she could go to the 
bathroom..." 


3. 




"Jim will not be in today.  He is not feeling himself.  Thank you."

THIS MEANS:

1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness
   to fake.
10. He is feeling others.

:) by Jennifer Schmidt and Nick Gass
JenSch@aol.com

4. 




    As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming
   as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for
   months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn,
   etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No
   dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not
   tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for
   months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a
   rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the
   father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching
   at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
   He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord
   threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and
   punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his
   dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden
   area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed
   home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let
   the dog out.
   Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the
   house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog.
   Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to
   face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into
   his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he
   was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage.
   Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.
   After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one
   morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck. "We're
   moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood." "Why? What
   happened?" replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: "Some sick bastard dug
   up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put
   it back in its cage."


5. 



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