Today's jokes [4.3.18]
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Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
What do you call a blonde lesbian?
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.
Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:
1. Bleed for a week and not die.
2. Give milk without eating grass
3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!
THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!!
It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the
bottom until you have worked it out.!!!
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to
go out to dinner.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you
haven't, add 1747.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times
you want to go out each week).
The second two digits are your age!!!
It really works. This is the only year it will ever work, so spread
joy around by mailing this to anyone you think might enjoy it.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
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