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Today's jokes [4.14.18]

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 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading
over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here
all day!!"

1. 




Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head
covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived
without her head covering. The priest informs her that she 
cannot enter without it. 
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to
her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to
enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." 
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must 
wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.

2. 




A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an 
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this 
is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, 
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is 
good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful 
flight.  Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies 
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I 
was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and 
spilled the hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my 
pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.  He should see the 
back of mine!"

3. 




Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

4. 




Presidential Election'2000

Dear Abby,

I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb of
Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married
to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other
two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one
who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape and
murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being
held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three
children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute 
who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a 
brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own 
brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would 
be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to 
prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street,
and hopefully the heroin... Abby, my problem is this: I love my fiance
and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to
be totally honest with her... Should I tell her about my cousin who voted
for Bush?

Signed,
Worried about my reputation

5. 



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