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Today's jokes [4.13.18]

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If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters
that take a licking and keep on toasting.

1. 




A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one
night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker
system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound
of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Pretty
soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each
one hanging on his every word.

Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage
for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then
he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." As
he turned to go, he tripped over the  microphone cord, landed on his butt,
and yelled "SHIT!"

2. 




Whats worse than shit on Olivia Newton Johns face?

Cum on Eileen.

3. 




Ok, kids, here's the gross one...

Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13. 

4. 




Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House
Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a
car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and
whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands
of yards away. They all fall into a daze. 

When they come to and extract themselves from the
vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. 

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The
Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. 

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." 
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." 
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?" 

5. 



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