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Today's jokes [4.12.18]

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An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a
living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back
home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the
older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know
I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it
on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to 
legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too.

1. 




Q: What will it take to reunite Nirvana???
A: Two more bullets...


2. 




   The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a
   commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
   up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in
   the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
   center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white
   cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
   aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes
   covered with huge sunglasses.
   At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
   sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start
   spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The
   passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
   themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
   reassurance.
   Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
   panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
   and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
   more hysterical.
   Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
   is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
   once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
   airborne.
   Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
   the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
   to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"


3. 




Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean
desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working
hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same
as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and
wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury
the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack
and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. 




A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed 
by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from 
the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only 
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. 

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the 
peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker 
attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and 
tried to get him to settle out of court. 

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to 
take half of what he was asking. 

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, 
the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his 
success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old 
man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the 
case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the 
caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I 
didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" 

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a 
little worried about winning that case myself, because that 
durned bull came home this morning." 

5. 



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