Today's poems [3.12.18]
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There was an old fellow from Roop
Who'd lost all control of his poop.
One evening at supper
His wife said, "Now, Tupper,
Stop making that noise with your soup!"
I'd cross the hottest desert,
I'd swim the deepest sea,
I'd climb the highest mountain,
But I can't come over tonight because it's raining.
There once was a man from New Boston,
Who bought a new sportscar--an Austin;
There was room for his ass,
And a gallon of gas,
And his balls hung out till he lost 'em.
De Ebonics Crimmus Poem
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
And all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.
We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That old Santa Clause;
Be bringin' our check.
All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.
I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrent fo sho.
And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!
Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.
Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!
As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"
He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.
But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!
Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!
He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!
Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!
Ode to a Mammogram
For years and years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts."
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.
So, I heeded all their warnings.....and protected them by law....
Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.
After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," the nurse said, as she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said. "Ah, yes....that's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal....I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate was pressing down....My boob was in a vice....
My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing......
Excruciating pain I felt, within it's vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing.....My poor defenseless tit......
"Take a deep breath" she said to me. Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't breathe and woozy I am getting!
"There, that was good" I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's get the other one."........"Lord have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide.
If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now......
If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow!
This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt.....
I'd like to get his balls in there.....for months he'd go WITHOUT!
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