Today's jokes [3.10.18]
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The Bachelor Diet
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers"
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for
Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.
Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little
worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but
I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair
in places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"
The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU"
written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises
her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies, "I
The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class. The next
day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written
on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy
raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special." "Thank you
sweetheart", the teacher says.
The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the
letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if
they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and
cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!".
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