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Today's jokes [2.5.18]

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That Scottish couple finally worked out a solution to the eternal
love triangle.
They ate the sheep.


This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions.

guy: "Why are girls so pretty?"
God: "So you'll like them."

guy: "Why are girls soft?"
God: "So you'll like them."

guy: "Why are girls so dumb?"
God: "So they'll like you."


   A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in
   and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
   He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in
   and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
   The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's
   great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
   So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have
   a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd
   hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with?
   Drugs? Alcohol?"
   The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law
   drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday
   morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on
   my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing
   you know, I'm fucking her."
   The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
   The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."


A boat load filled with Viagra sank in Baltimore Harbor.

They could not get the draw bridges down for a week.


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the
driver--"PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"


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