Today's jokes [2.4.18]
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Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.
"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I
have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet
blowjob. Never fails."
A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my
headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is
When I was in college our RA told us of a good one that (supposedly)
some friends had pulled a couple of years earlier. These two guys made
up a concoction of all kinds of left overs, semi-pureed it in a blender,
and filled a hot water bottle with it. One of them took the hot water
bottle, taped it to his stomach inside of his shirt and put a short
piece of hose into the top so that it came up to the front of his shirt
collar, but not visible. They both went to a local pub and sat at the
bar, acting already slightly intoxicated. After having a couple of beers
the guy with the hot water bottle says that he is feeling sick a couple
of times and "barfs" VERY loudly all over the bar to attract attention.
Naturally this causes the patrons to move away from him, all except his
buddy, who calmy pulls a fork out of his coat pocket and begins EATING
the stuff. ;-) I don't know how true it is, but I'd love to have been
there watching faces if it was...
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in
each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He
has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the
They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to
go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If
I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and
brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first
arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in
bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded
condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she ponted it to her
As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and
asked "What they don't use those things where you come
"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman
was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.
"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"
he announced, standing up to leave ...
"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the
morning, let me know what you think."
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