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Today's jokes [12.1.18]

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Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife,
"Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones."
"Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies.
"But I want you to, Maude."
"But why?" Maude asks.
"Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!"

1. 




Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.  One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I
have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence.  The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.'  This, of course, is not true!  I am
asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right  here
- before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be.  I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."

2. 




The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club.  "Hey, baby, 
would you help me 'raise my mast'?"

"No thanks," she said sweetly.  "I heard about you from your 
ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."

3. 




What do you do after you just raped a 12yr old deaf & dumb girl ?

Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum.

4. 




A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.
However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."

5. 



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