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Today's jokes [10.8.18]

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There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on
Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will
not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush.  No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up
and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with
a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini
van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,
"If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education of his
children!!"

More sighs and applause.

Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,
"If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!"

There is a hush.  The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb,
whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what we
could contribute to make the rabbi stay.  Mr. Goldfarb said,
'Fuck the rabbi.'"

1. 




This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and 
he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. 
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. 
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't
go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."

2. 




What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


3. 




What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity


4. 




Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a
cork in his ass.  
     
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
     
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over 
a lamp.  There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban 
came oozing out.  He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie.  I can grant-um 
you one wish."
     
And I said,  "No shit."  

5. 



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