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Today's jokes [1.5.18]

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A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  Was it
true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the
doctor  had prescribed was for the rest of her life?
She was told that it was.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, 
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is.  This 
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"


What does an elephant keep up its trunk?

A Yard 'n' half o' snot!


A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a 
substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of 
the bottle."


A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson.  One day
he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he 
leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.
He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of
Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be
left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love.  She
asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner.  He readily
agrees and the date is set.  At the appointed time he picks her up on
his Harley and they ride to her parents house.  Before they go in she
tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first
after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first
person to break and get stuck doing the dishes.  After a long fifteen
minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over 
and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...!  Next he decides to take a more direct
approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front 
of everyone.  And still no one says a word...!!!  Now he is getting
desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.
They have even wilder sex.  But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next 
when he hears thunder in the distance.  His first thought is to protect 
the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out
the Vaseline.  And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."


A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.

"I've been stung by a wasp" She says.
" Where did it get you?" He replies
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
"I think your stance must be a little too wide"


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