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Today's jokes [1.2.18]

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What is grey and comes in quarts?

An Elephant. 


Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part 
of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's 
normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an 
inappropriate question and my parents are going to
hear of it when I get home!"
She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not 
studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you 
going to be disappointed someday!" 


    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
   Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
   able to support you. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because
   women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. One golfer tells
   another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The
   other replies: "GREAT trade!" How many men does it take to open a
   beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. What do
   you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right.
   I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be
   hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my
   wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her. Women are so
   unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a
   bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should
   she? Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! Some
   mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!
   Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
   by 90 percent.... Wedding cake! Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
   engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.


Q. What do you call a musician without a significant other? 

               A. Homeless.


A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. 
"HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can 
grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her 
panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, "There! I have hair on my 
chest, now buy me the damn coat!" "That's not your chest!" he roars back. 
"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was 
your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards 
it became our family chest....AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...IT WILL 


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