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Today's jokes [9.3.17]

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There was a drunk man walking down the street turning
his car keys back and forth. 
A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" 
The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw
it, it was on the end of these keys." 
The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" 
The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!" 

1. 




   The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so
   they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on
   the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths
   together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard
   to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that
   we're finally married Kenny."
   
   After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the
   dark, "God dammit Kenny !!! Will you please convince her so's we can
   all get some sleep ???"


2. 




What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?

                         Joan of Arc.

3. 




   Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
   A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.


4. 




   A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you
   going?" he asked.
   
   "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to
   do what I do for you for free!"
   
   The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS
   bags.
   
   "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
   
   "Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a
   year!"
   


5. 



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