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Today's jokes [9.13.17]

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Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he 
came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date 
stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. 
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might 
have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went 
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind 
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a 
minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark 
corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would 
have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be 
ready Thursday," he said calmly.

1. 




What is the Australian for foreplay?

Brace yourself, Sheila!

And the Welsh?

Are you awake, Gwen?

2. 




A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a
judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He
asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get
one.
 
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the
license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they
had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice
versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got
another license.
 
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in
the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued
licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
 
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there
are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and
any children you might have would be technical bastards."
 
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."

3. 




What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other? 

Gee, we really do taste like chicken. 

4. 




    The Reverend

   Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
   exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
   had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was
   feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon
   as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of
   town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
   wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
   Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
   morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint
   Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
   exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
   The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton
   hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
   of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
   ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why
   did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going
   to tell?"


5. 



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