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Today's jokes [9.12.17]

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   A sailor walks into a bar. The bartender immediately notices that this
   is a pretty well built
   guy but he has the tiniest little pinhead. After serving the sailor a
   couple of drinks,
   curiosity finally gets the best of the bartender and he asks the
   sailor why he had a normal
   sized body with such a tiny head. The sailor tells him this story: "I
   was involved in a naval
   battle where I was the only survivor. I was stranded on a deserted
   island in the middle of
   the ocean for months, when I happened across a mermaid while I was
   walking on the
   beach." She was on the beach and couldn't get back in the water so I
   helped her get back
   to the ocean, she was so grateful she granted me three wishes. I first
   asked to be rescued
   off that god forsaken island. She told me that it was no problem, that
   the rescue ship was
   on the way, and that I still had two more wishes." "Next I asked for a
   never ending roll of
   twenty dollar bills." Then the sailor reached into his pocket and kept
   pulling out 20s and
   putting them on the bar. "Finally I said to her, 'I've been on this
   island for quite some time
   without a woman and I'm quite horny, She said "as you can see from the
   waist down I'm a
   fish so I'm sorry but I can't help you there." "Well I thought about
   it for a minute and said
   OK, how about a little head.
   


1. 




A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll
in the fields when they came across a cow and a
calf rubbing noses.

"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to
do the same."

"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow." 

2. 




Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned
to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those
hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

3. 




Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?

A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

4. 




A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to 
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his 
problem.  

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself." 

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter 
pistol.  All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later,
felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. 

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.  The doctor asked, 
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the
pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my 
neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"



5. 



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