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Today's jokes [8.9.17]

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. 
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on 
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second 
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't 
ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap 
would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your 
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral 
van for the last 25 years.

1. 




A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat
not from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty
located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water 
and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished. A 
little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the 
boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same 
manner, came back to the boat. Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. 
He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the 
priest and said,
"Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"

2. 




A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. 
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. 

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. 

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

3. 




Q: What is grosser than gross?
   A: Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a 
spoon in your butt.

4. 




A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started 
feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?" 
"No," her mother replied. 
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" 
"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up 
behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. 
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked. 
"Yes," the little girl replied. 
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and 
return so quickly?" 
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. 
"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

5. 



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