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Today's jokes [8.10.17]

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How come nobody from Mexico is ever in the olympics?

Because everybody that can Run, Jump, and Swim is already over here.

Sent by Paul

1. 




What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?? 

The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back. 

2. 




A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a
beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how
much it would cost to repair the condom.
  The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot
welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he
could sell the private a new one.
  The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in
two hours with an answer."
  Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:
"The regiment has voted to replace."

3. 




ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON

Dearest Redneck Son,

        I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.  
We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in 
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from 
your home, so we moved.
        I won't be able to send you the address because the last 
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they 
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
        This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. 
I'm not sure it works so well though.  Last week I put a load of 
clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.
        The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last 
week; the first time for three days and the second time for four 
days.
        About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle 
Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the 
buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
        John locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were 
really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your 
father out.
        Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found 
out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
        Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week.  Some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
        Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup 
truck.  Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam  
to safety.  Your other two friends were in back.  They drowned 
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
        There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much 
out of the normal has happened.

                                        Love,   Mom

4. 




Q: What does a man and a floor have in common?
   A: You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them 
forever!! 

5. 



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