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Today's jokes [7.16.17]

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Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by 
a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the 
nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the 
dog's neck.
A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy. "A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal", 
he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not from New York" the boy replies.
"I'm visiting from Kentucky!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Redneck bastard kills family pet".



1. 




Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.


2. 




Q: What similarities are there in a condom and a casket?
A: You come in one and leave in the other, and they both hold stiffs.


3. 




Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife,
"Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones."
"Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies.
"But I want you to, Maude."
"But why?" Maude asks.
"Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!"

4. 




Why are women like snow flakes??
 
         They are all beautiful.
         They are all different.
         They can all be cold as ice.
         But they'll all melt when they land on your face......

5. 



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