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Today's jokes [7.11.17]

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What is the first symptom of AIDs?

A hard, deep, pounding sensation in your ass. 

1. 




How Shit Happens



In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
     such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
     Company, and in these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how Shit Happens.



2. 




What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?

The Spice Girls!

3. 




A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a 
bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and 
sees that  indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. 
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on,  just close the door behind me" and 
he stepps into the closet. At  that time the husband comes from work, 
opens the closet and finds the repairman. 
Husband:  "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a 
bus!"

Sent by Ser

4. 




Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feeling much
better since his operation, but couldn't account for the
enormous bump on the back of his head.
"Oh, that," chuckled Mrs. Horntoot. "Just before your
operation they suddenly ran out of ether!" 

5. 



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