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Today's jokes [5.8.17]

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   A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
   sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we
   saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was
   good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She
   said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I
   was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word
   'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
   because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there
   was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
   Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
   are so big she can only fasten 8."


    Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our
   program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and
   brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job.
   We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might
   be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet
   rewarding program?
   Check this out:
   * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of
   the hottest city in the world!
   * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
   * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
   * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
   Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former
   intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job
   answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the
   president. ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just
   fantastic."- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being
   a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy
   national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and
   send it to the White House at [3] 
   Sex: F__
   Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
   How many beers it takes to get you... ...Giggly: ...Drunk: ...Hot:
   ...To lie to a federal prosecutor:...
   You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy
   b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely
   Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th
   century femininity c) an obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the
   leader of the free world
   You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) Israeli
   policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) "monument to
   My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting
   Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading, study c) late
   nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White
   Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
   Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call
   soon, Uncle Sam wants you.
   *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
   interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity


I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."

He said, "Don't answer it!" 


George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard I

Never walk down the hall without a document in your
hands. People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People
with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the
cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like
they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating
the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.


   So you don't know Jack Schitt
   He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.
   Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of
   the Kneedeep Schitt
   Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next
   came twin sons, Deep
   Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
   and another son,
   Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
   Dip Schitt married
   Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and
   Giva Schitt, married the
   Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd
   Schitt and Horace
   Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they
   are awaiting the
   arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.


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