Today's jokes [5.5.17]
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A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford
the stud service so he goes to the Vet.
Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't
afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"
Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes
on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out
of the farmer's price range.
Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything
Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough
to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs
out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields
and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll
get them pregnant."
Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"
Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next
So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put
the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later
that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the
next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and
drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking
around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes
back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week
and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks
his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.
Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"
Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back
of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of
the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he
explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and
"Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?
"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just
suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged
the designers to come out with a bra for
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...
It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an
extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey
how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor.
The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."
So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come
we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"
The supervisor says "Intelligence".
Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you can!"
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's intelligence".
Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."
Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
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