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Today's jokes [5.2.17]

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Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and
by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got
him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest
hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?" 

"It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you
hadn't gutted him first."

1. 




Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much 
fun as she used to be."
The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"
Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."
The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's 
exhausted." 

2. 




A Modest Essay 

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW 
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: 
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU 
HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? 

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have 
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more 
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for 
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. 
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. 
i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot 
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a 
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly 
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious 
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the 
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large 
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, 
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. 
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. 
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I 
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have 
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I 
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international 
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I 
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and 
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the 
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed 
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do 
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully 
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The 
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On 
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years 
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have 
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster 
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, 
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. 
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have 
spoken with Elvis. 

But I have not yet gone to college. 

3. 




A woman went to the bar with a black eye.
"How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender.
"From my husband," she replied.
"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.
"So did I!" she said.

4. 




   Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on
   him. He asked if they
   wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at
   after they went home
   and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he
   went to see him. He
   asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night
   long. The man
   laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take
   more than one. Once at
   home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so
   he gulped them
   down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his
   friend. Asking for some
   liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In
   disbelief, his friend asked
   if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie
   replied "No,I need it for
   my arms the women never showed up!"
   


5. 



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