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Today's jokes [5.18.17]

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The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a 
beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't 
sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held 
up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." 
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm 
bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that 
big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth 
and said, "You're a medium."

1. 




Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw. 

2. 




A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens 
to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The 
first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this 
one, which is called Lipshitz."
"What a diamond!"
"How lucky you are!"
"Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, 
"Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous 
Lipshitz curse!"
The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?"
"Lipshitz," sighed the lady.

3. 




A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is 
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a 
close shave around the cheeks. 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small 
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between 
your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber 
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. 

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow 
like everyone else does."

4. 




Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: Full.


5. 



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